Oh My God, They Killed Rory, You Bastard!
by cheri1
Summary: 11th Doctor with Amy and Rory. Crack fic. Cowritten with Carol. Rory's died several times already and has been resurrected each time. But what about the deaths and miraculous resurrections we didn't see?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is purely a crack fic. I love Rory but the man has bad luck when it comes to dying and I sincerely hope there's a reason why he keeps dying and coming back because if not, he's the most inept companion the Doctor's ever had. But this fanfic is just a lighthearted look at the many deaths and resurrections we didn't see. Pure fun and pure outrageousness because who doesn't love dead/alive Rory? This is written in conjunction with my friend, Carol, because I don't want to have all the fun. And now…

Chapter One

"Rory, run!" Amy screamed.

Rory put on a fresh burst of speed as he ran down the catwalk. He, Amy and the Doctor had been investigating a series of bizarre murders at a factory that supplied food to Captain Cowinkle's Yum-Yum Emporium on Derilium. The three of them discovered that Cowinkle had been luring children to the factory with promises of free samples of his food. Once they were in his clutches, he murdered them, using their bodies for mince meat and their blood for blood sausage. Now, Cowinkle's guards, big, beefy buffalo faced brutes dressed in menacing black leather outfits, were pursuing them so they could grind up their bodies and turn them into sausage. Then they would take the sausage, put them with mash and send them out in prepackaged dinners. This was what Cowinkle told them before he shoved them in a locked room. Unfortunately, Cowinkle didn't know about the sonic screwdriver and before you could say toad in the hole, they were out and running towards the entrance.

Now Rory had become separated from the others and was on a catwalk above a huge steel vat filled with mashed potatoes. A huge steel mixer was inside the vat, mixing up the potatoes while milk poured down from a tube high above it. One of the guards was chasing him while he fired a blaster at him. Rory gasped when a blaster bolt hit the railing beside him and ricocheted off it.

"Um…nice moo cow, good Bessie!" Rory yelled back over his shoulder as the enraged buffalo humanoid mooed in frustration. "Why don't you find a nice pasture somewhere?"

"Rory, we're coming!" the Doctor yelled in the distance. "Keep that guard busy until we can catch up to him!"

"Believe me; I have every intention of doing that!" Rory yelled back.

Then suddenly a blaster bolt hit Rory's leg, grazing it. Rory let out a cry of pain as he stumbled. He heard his wife calling to him in the distance as he hit the metal catwalk but before he could turn, the guard had reached him.

"Bye, bye, human!" the guard said, lifting him up.

He heard the Doctor and Amy yell as the guard flung him over the side into the huge vat. Rory's arms and legs flailed at the air before he landed in the mashed potatoes. He began to sink down and tried to swim in the thickening mass as the mixer whirled his way.

"Help!" Rory called out as the guard laughed and ran off. "I don't want to be mash!"

"We're coming, Rory!" the Doctor yelled.

"Hurry!" Rory yelled as the mixer came closer.

He managed to use his arms and legs to swim over to the side, just as the mixer went by him. He breathed a sigh of relief but the relief was short lived when the milk suddenly poured out of the tube and hit on top of his head. The force of the milk pushed Rory down into the mashed potatoes which were now solidifying around him, forming a mashed potato tomb of doom!

By now, the Doctor and Amy were on the catwalk above the vat. They looked down at horror as Rory's hand, the only thing visible, went under the white fluffy mass.

"No! I don't want Rory to be turned into mashed potatoes!" Amy screamed.

"No worries, I'll save him!" the Doctor said.

Before Amy could say anything, the Doctor dove headfirst into the vat. Amy gripped the railing and watched as the Doctor went under the mashed potatoes. A moment later, she saw Rory's head as the Doctor pushed him up from below. Amy gasped when she saw his open mouth was stuffed full of mashed potatoes and he was slowly turning blue. Then the Doctor's head popped up and he held on to the side of the vat, his body pressing Rory against the side while he tried to clean out his mouth. Amy was so absorbed in the scene below her that she yelped when a laser bolt hit the railing near her body. She looked up and yelped when she saw a buffalo guard near her, snarling at her while she aimed his blaster at her body. Amy racked her brain for an escape plan then suddenly decided to try something radical.

"Look over there!" she yelled as she pointed off to her right.

The buffalo guard looked to his right and Amy gave him a swift kick in the buffalo balls. The guard mooed in pain and as he went down, Amy grabbed his blaster and repeatedly hit his head with it.

"This is for trying to turn my husband into mashed potatoes!" she screamed as she hit him repeatedly.

Finally, the buffalo let out one final grunt and lapsed into unconsciousness. Amy collapsed on top of him, breathing a sigh of relief.

"Be grateful the Doctor won't let me turn you into burgers," Amy said to him before she got up.

She kept the blaster with her as she ran back to the railing. By now, the Doctor had Rory out of the vat and was on the concrete floor beside it, giving him CPR.

"Come on, Rory, don't be done in by mashed potatoes!" the Doctor said while he compressed his chest.

"What's wrong, girly, your friend having a spot of trouble?"

Amy sighed angrily when she heard a gruff voice behind her. She turned to see another buffalo guard standing beside his fallen companion. He was sneering at her as he pointed his blaster at her.

"You better run, I just dispatched your friend there," Amy said to him as she pointed the blaster at his face.

"I'm not afraid of a little pink weasel," the guard said, giving a disdainful snort. "I'll make short work of ya! Bye, bye, girlie!"

He shot at her but Amy ducked as the bolt zoomed over her head. Using the guard's surprise, she delivered another swift kick to the old buffalo balls and as the guard mooed in pain, his hand sailed up and a blaster bolt hit a chain holding up a steel tube. The chain snapped in two and the tube fell. The Doctor looked up and gasped when he saw it was heading for him. He jerked his body back as the tube slammed down on Rory's stomach. The force of the blow propelled the mashed potatoes out of Rory's stomach and windpipe and his unconscious body vomited it directly on the Doctor.

"Eeew, Rory, how could you?" the Doctor said with disgust as he wiped mashed potatoes away from his eyes.

Then he heard a stunned moo and looked up. The guard had run at Amy and she ran out of the way at the last minute. The guard's momentum propelled him over the railing and as he fell, his arms flailed out. He landed by Rory, his huge beefy hand slamming down directly over Rory's heart. The force of the blow started Rory's heart again and Rory let out a gasp and a sputter and spit the last of the mashed potatoes out of his mouth as Amy gazed at him from the catwalk. He stared up at the Doctor who was covered in half digested mashed potatoes and made a face.

"Ugh, you need a bath," Rory said to him. "And why is there a huge hand on me?" he said as he grabbed the guard's hand and flung it off him.

"Are you alright?" the Doctor said.

"Um…yeah, I'm not drowing in mash anymore," Rory said. "You need a bath though. Sorry about that."

"No worries, I've had worse spewed on me," the Doctor said. "The important thing is you're safe. Now, come on, let's go get Cowinkle!"

Rory groaned, got to his feet, flicked a few patches of mashed potato off his clothes and raced with the Doctor towards the catwalk stairs.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

The TARDIS floated in the vortex while the Doctor sat on the swing under the console and worked on the time stabilizer. He swung back and forth on the swing while his legs pumped the air and his toes barely touched the metal. He knew that Amy and Rory were feeling antsy since their last adventure and he tried to figure out where they could go for some rest and relaxation. He stopped the swing when the TARDIS rumbled and lurched forward and he fell onto his bottom, looking up at the console.

"Now what was that for, eh?" he asked as he stood up and walked up the stairs. He looked at the screens when he smiled, patted the top of the console and shook his head. "Yeah, I hate it when I get the hiccups, too."

"Doctor, what was all that about?" Amy asked as she walked into the control room and the Doctor leaned on the console, smiling at her.

"Oh, she just had a little case of hiccups. Nothing to worry about," the Doctor said when Rory came in the control room and stood next to Amy.

"She had the hiccups?" Rory said as he looked up at the ceiling then at the Doctor and the Doctor nodded, patting the console.

"It happens," he said as he looked at the screen and Amy peered over his shoulder. "Is there something you want, Pond?"

"I was just wondering if we could go somewhere," she said and he gave her a blank look.

"That's what I'm trying to figure out," he said as he pushed the buttons, flipped the levers, turned the switches and the time rotor moved back and forth behind the glass. A few minutes later the TARDIS made a little bump while the Doctor looked at the screen, smiled and rubbed his hands together. "Yes, this is perfect. It has a breathable atmosphere, gravity and, from the looks of it, a beach! The water is safe and the beach is empty!" He walked to the stairs to the wardrobe room when he headed up the stairs then looked down at them and Rory and Amy looked up at him with confused looks on their faces. "Come on! Who's up for a swim?" Shrugging, they ran for the stairs as the Doctor went into the wardrobe room and they followed him inside.

The doors opened while the Doctor walked outside and stretched his arms over his head. The sky was a bright blue with bright pink clouds and a yellow sun and birds with blue and red feathers and long, yellow feather tails flew by. The trees looked like Earth palm trees except for the bright orange and pink leaves and long purple fruit resembling bananas grew on the trees. The sand was a warm caramel color and felt good under his bare feet and he bent down to roll his trousers up. He also wore a white, short sleeve shirt and his bowtie and a pair of sunglasses covered his eyes.

"Yes, this will do," he said when he turned around and brought out a blue, plastic cooler with three, large towels tied to the top and a deflated beach ball. He walked toward the beach as the cool, blue and green water spread out before him then he turned, looking back at the TARDIS. "Are you two coming?"

He heard Rory grunt as Rory walked outside and was carrying the beach umbrella. It had blue and white stripes and Rory seemed to be having trouble keeping it in his arms. He was also carrying Amy's beach bag around his neck as he sighed and headed for the Doctor. He placed the post of the umbrella in the sand then placed the beach bag onto the sand and puffed out some air from his cheeks.

"Where's Pond?" the Doctor asked and Rory looked at the TARDIS. Sweat made his Hawaiian shirt and tan shorts cling to his body as Amy strolled out of the TARDIS wearing a large, white floppy hat, a dark blue bikini and a matching cover up and the Doctor's eyes went wide. "Um, you look…nice."

"Thank you," she said then looked at Rory and placed her hands on her hips. "Why isn't the umbrella up?"

"Yeah, getting right on it," he said as Rory set up the umbrella and the Doctor set up the towels. Amy sat down on the orange, yellow and pink towel when she opened the beach bag and took out a bottle of sunscreen and Rory arched the umbrella so it was shading her. "Is that alright?"

"Yeah, that's fine," she said as the Doctor sat on the blue towel and went to lie down on his back. Placing his hands behind his back, he arched the sunglasses up as he looked at the clouds rolling by while Amy looked at him and frowned. "Don't you own a bathing suit?"

"Yeah, I do, but you don't want to look at this skinny body," he said with a grin and closed his eyes. Rory rolled his eyes when he sat on the green towel as he opened the bottle of sunscreen and poured some in his hands. He gently rubbed some of the sunscreen on Amy's legs as she smiled at him and he moved closer, kissing her lips. The Doctor half opened his eyes as he watched them kissing when he slid the sunglasses down and placed his hands on his chest. He tried to block out the soft giggling as he started doing complicated math problems in his head, but couldn't concentrate and sat up, looking at them. "Right, if you need something to do with your lips, blow this up."

Rory frowned when he handed Rory the deflated beach ball then got up and went for a walk. A quick memory of when Jamie had to blow up a beach ball when he, Jamie and Zoe were on a small vacation crossed his mind and he smiled, thinking about how Jamie nearly turned blue as he tried to inflate the beach ball. The Doctor sighed as he thought about his two missing friends then saw Donna in his mind's eye and felt worse. He wondered what she would think of this place as his hearts hurt and he placed his hands in his pockets, walking faster down the sand.

The Doctor came a few minutes later to find that Rory had made a small fire circle and had set up the small grill. The smell of food cooking made the Doctor hungry as he smiled and sat down on the blanket.

"Sorry," Amy said while she poked a hot dog with a fork as he nodded then looked over at Rory swimming in the water. The Doctor stood up when he walked to the edge of the water and Rory bobbed up and down on the waves while he body surfed and laughed. Suddenly something shot out of the water as it grabbed onto Rory and he screamed, waving his arms over his head. "Doctor, help him!"

"On it!" the Doctor said as he ran into the water and watched Rory fighting to get free of whatever grabbed hold of him. From where the Doctor was, he could see that it looked like a tentacle of some sort and it was pulling Rory down into the water. Rory pounded on the tentacle as the Doctor came closer and closer and Rory gulped as his head went underwater. Activating his respiratory bypass system, the Doctor dived under the clear water as his eyes adjusted to being underwater and he could see Rory only a few feet in front of him. He could also see what had grabbed hold of him and it looked like a squid with a large head, six, red eyes, ten tentacles and a sharp beak under the tentacles and Rory was struggling to get free. The bubbles coming from Rory were fading as the Doctor swam faster then came to the tentacle and pulled on the tentacle, trying to free Rory. He swam toward the head when the eyes looked at him and the Doctor blinked his eyes a few times.

"_Can you hear me?" _he thought and the eyes went wide.

"_Yes, I can hear you," _the creature thought.

"_Ah, that's good. I'm the Doctor."_

"_I am Borzani."_

"_Well, Borzani, you seem to have my friend and he's drowning. Can you please let him go?"_

"_Oh, I am sorry, Doctor. From down here, he looked like a gezzi," _Borzani thought then let go of Rory and the Doctor swam to him. Thanking Borzani, the Doctor took hold of Rory as he swam to the surface and gasped as his head appeared. He swam while dragging Rory behind him when he came to the beach and Amy ran to help him. He started doing CPR on Rory while Amy knelt next to the Doctor when the Doctor made a fist with his hand and punched Rory's chest over his heart. Water shot out of Rory's mouth as his heart started again and the Doctor rolled Rory onto his side, allowing him to spit up the rest of the water. Amy placed Rory's head on her thighs as he looked up at her then at the Doctor and sighed.

"What was that?" Rory asked softly while Amy stroked his wet hair and the Doctor smiled at him.

"I think it was a goktal. They're a little near sighted and tend to eat anything floating in the water," the Doctor said and they looked at him with stunned looks on their faces. "Don't look at me like that. How was I supposed to know it was there? Besides, that will teach you to go swimming without me."

"Can we go?" Amy asked as she helped Rory to his feet and held him to her side.

"Yes, but I think we should clean up first. Don't want to start a fire or anything, the Doctor said as they looked at each other and headed for the blankets. After the Doctor checked to see if Rory was alright, they stood around the console while the Doctor looked at the screen and tried to figure out where they could go get something to eat. "Ah, I know this place that serves the best Italian food! Fancy trying it?"

"Sounds like a good idea," Rory said as he placed his head on Amy's shoulder and she smiled sweetly at him. "But, please, no one order calamari. I think I have enough squid for one day."


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three

"Aaah, Popo Twelve, isn't it beautiful?" the Doctor asked Amy and Rory as they walked through a large bazaar.

The three of them had come to the planet located in the Crab Nebula for a bit of shopping and some rest. The bazaar was huge, so huge they couldn't see the end of it from where they were standing. The wooden and metal booths were packed inside a vast field of orange grass. The wind was blowing gently, stirring the multicolored blankets and tapestries that covered the sides and tops of the booths. Inside the booths, aliens of every description were yelling to other aliens, hawking their wares as they tried to persuade people to come to their booth.

"Aliens from all over the universe come here to trade and barter," the Doctor said, gesturing to the booths in front of them. "It's sort of like one big alien flea market. Anything you can dream of and some things you probably never thought of are for sale here."

"That's all I needed to know! See you later," Amy said to the Doctor and Rory.

Carrying a credit stick that the Doctor provided her, she wandered over to the nearest booth and perused some silver and gold jewelry while a goat faced humanoid spoke to her. Rory looked at the Doctor, shrugged and he parted ways with his friend. As Rory walked past the booths, he could see a city in the distance just beyond the field. Most of the city was made of steel frames with glass windows that caught the light of the sun high above them. Rory stopped to admire the view. Sometimes he hated traveling with the Doctor, especially when they were being menaced by monsters and evildoers but then there were moments like this that took his breath away and made the bad things seem small in comparison. He was staring at the city when he felt a hand on his shoulder. He turned and saw a female cat humanoid. The cat faced woman had pumpkin colored fur and deep green eyes. She had long black hair that was pulled back into a ponytail and she was wearing what looked like a white sari. On her wrists were several gold bracelets that jangled against one another as she moved her arms around.

"Haven't seen you here before," she said as she looked him over.

"No, this is my first time here," Rory said. "I came here with some friends to do some shopping."

"What's your name?" she asked him.

"Rory. Yours?"

"Lurlana," she said, coming closer to him.

Rory froze when he stared into her green eyes. He could see the interest on her face and heard a soft purr coming from her throat. He gave her a smile.

"Look, um, I'm married," he said, showing her his wedding ring.

"So am I," Lurlana said softly as she stroked Rory's cheek. "But that doesn't mean I can't have a bit of fun with a handsome man like you. You're a human, aren't you? Never had a human before."

"Yeah, well, I don't feel like cheating on my wife, sorry," Rory said, trying to back away from her.

"It's not cheating, just a bit of good natured fun, little hairless ape," Lurlana said as her purr grew louder. "What your mate doesn't know won't hurt her."

"Look, back off, alright? My friend is not someone you wanna muck with," Rory said, trying to back away.

Lurlana followed him, a predatory look on her face. Rory tried to whirl around and run but Lurlana grabbed his arm, jerked him around and seized his face, giving him a deep kiss. Rory grunted when she pinned his arms to his side as she wrapped her arms around his body and he prayed Amy wasn't watching. He breathed a sigh of relief when he felt a hand on his shoulder. But when he looked over his shoulder, he stiffened when he saw a panther head, jet black fur and yellow eyes that glared menacingly at him while he growled deep in his throat. Rory, guessing who it might be, cleared his throat.

"Look, I wasn't doing anything with your wife," he said to the man as he noticed the long, sharp claws on the large hand that was still resting on Rory's shoulder. "She chatted me up and the next thing I knew, she grabbed me and kissed me. I have no interest in her, honestly."

"I don't like people kissing my Lurlana!" the panther man growled at him.

"She kissed me!" Rory squeaked. "I'm happily married, I don't even want her! Please, this doesn't have to get violent."

Rory gasped when the man jerked him away from Lurlana and hoisted him up over his massive, muscular shoulder like a sack of potatoes. While Lurlana begged her husband to spare him, Rory looked up and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the Doctor calmly walked towards him.

"Excuse me!" the Doctor called out as Amy tore her attention away from the jewelry and hurried after him. "I don't know what's going on here, but that's my friend and I want you to put him down this instant!"

"Please, I like him," Lurlana begged her husband. "Can't I have him as a pet?"

"No! I told you before to stop cheating on me!" the panther man growled.

"Doctor, help!" Rory said to the Doctor who was now walking around the panther to the front.

"Look, mate," the Doctor said, getting in between him and Lurlana while Amy ran up to his side. "There's been a mistake, alright? Put him down and let's discuss this amicably."

He grunted when the panther backhanded him across the face, sending him to the ground.

"Oi, there's no need for…"

Amy was stopped mid-sentence when the panther man shoved her roughly to the ground.

"I'll teach you to cheat on me!" the panther man yelled at Lurlana before he took off running towards the city.

"Bugger! Come on, Pond!" the Doctor said as he and Amy got to their feet and took off after him.

They tried to keep up with the panther man but his muscular body allowed him to pull ahead. Still, Amy and the Doctor kept on running while Rory tried to wiggle out of the man's grasp and escape. While they ran, the Doctor pulled out his screwdriver and aimed it at the panther man. When he turned it on, the sonic vibrations hurt the panther's sensitive ears and he roared in pain while he tried to cover them with his hands. Once he let go, Rory slid down off his body and began to run towards the city.

"Get back here!" the panther man roared at Rory as he kept his hands over his ears and gave chase.

Rory weaved in and out of the booths as panicked people scattered. The panther man pushed people out of the way, roaring with fury at Rory while the Doctor and Amy tried to keep up. Rory gasped and panted and put on a fresh burst of speed when he finally saw the edge of the field. A moment later, he left the field and ran down an alleyway while the panther man tried to overtake him. Amy and the Doctor lagged behind so by the time they reached the alley, nearly out of breath, they couldn't see either of them.

"Where'd they go?" Amy panted as she and the Doctor tried to keep their exhausted bodies going.

"Dunno, but I'm willing to bet we can follow the cat man's angry roars," the Doctor gasped as he held his aching side.

They reached the end of the alley and looked around. There were several aliens walking on the pavement in front of them but no sign of Rory or the cat man. Then about a block up the street, they saw the panther carrying Rory's limp body over his shoulder as he ran into a large glass building.

"Come on! No time to lose!" the Doctor said to Amy as they took off after him.

By the time they reached the building, the panther was already inside. Through the glass they saw them laying Rory inside a large, metal, oval tub that had a metal pipe above it that reached up into the ceiling. When they went inside, they noticed they were in some sort of work room and the smell of burning sulfur assaulted their nostrils. They noticed that they were doing some kind of smelting and to Amy's horror, the panther flung her husband's body in the tub.

"No!" Amy screamed as she and the Doctor put on a fresh burst of speed.

But before they could stop them, the panther man pulled a lever and liquid metal poured into the tub. The Doctor grabbed a nearby metal pipe and when the man turned, he smashed it upside his head, knocking him out. The Doctor flipped the lever but by then Rory's body was beneath the molten metal. Fighting the bile that was coming to his throat, the Doctor tried to calm Amy down as he turned a metal wheel and drained the molten metal out. When the liquid metal was gone, they peered in, figuring they would see Rory's charred remains but to their surprise, they saw a flesh colored puddle of goo across the bottom of the tub.

"What is that? Where's Rory?" Amy said as she looked inside.

"Dunno, but this stuff looks like…plastic," the Doctor said.

He and Amy exchanged a glance.

"Plastic?" Amy said. "I thought when the universe was restored; I changed Rory back to a…human."

"So did I," the Doctor said as he did a scan with his sonic screwdriver and read the findings. "But this is definitely plastic. Rory's been an Auton all along and we never suspected it."

"Well, isn't there a way to…restore him?" Amy said frantically.

"I don't know how. I'm afraid Rory has melted and…"

As he was speaking, the Doctor looked over Amy and froze. Amy noticed the stunned expression and turned. Her mouth dropped open when they saw Rory walking towards him. Amy let out a cry of relief and ran to him.

"Rory? How? We thought you were an auton and melted in this tub thing," Amy said, hugging him tightly.

"No, I made a switch. That wasn't me," Rory said.

"It wasn't? Sure looked like ya," Amy said as the Doctor came up beside them.

"That's because…"

Rory trailed off and stared at the floor.

"Because what?" the Doctor prompted.

Rory muttered something under his breath that they couldn't understand while he stared at the floor. Amy narrowed her eyes.

"What? I didn't get that," Amy said.

Rory sighed and looked at her.

"I used a blow up doll in place of me," Rory said.

"What? That wasn't a blow up doll, it looked exactly like ya," Amy said.

Rory beckoned to them and the Doctor and Amy followed him out the door. Rory pointed to a building across the street that was cattycorner from them. Amy's eyes widened when she saw a small glass and steel building. She could see a small black metal door in the front and above the door was an enormous sign that was at least 10 feet across. Inside the sign were blinking red neon letters. The sign read.

BUBBA'S BLOW UP DOLL-O-RAMA.

CUSTOM BLOW UP DOLLS.

WE CAN MAKE A BLOW UP DOLL IN YOUR LIKENESS IN MERE MINUTES.

ANATOMICALLY CORRECT WITH REALISTIC DETAIL AND PLASTIFLESH.

Rory shrugged when Amy and the Doctor finished reading the sign and looked at him.

"I saw that and figured I'd create a duplicate of myself that he could take his revenge on. I was safe and sound in the alley beside the building."

"They made a blow up doll that looked just like you," Amy said in disbelief.

"Yeah. Shoved me inside this big metal box and I was scanned and then there was this hissing sound and when I came out, they had a blow up doll that looked like me including a set of my clothes. I set him up across the street and made it look like I passed out from exhaustion and hid. That bloke took the bait."

"Wait, they gave you this blow up doll for free?" Amy said.

"Um…no," Rory said, staring at the ground and shuffling his feet. "I didn't have the proper amount of credits so I had to barter for the doll."

"Barter, what?" Amy said, folding her arms over her chest.

"Um…sexual favor?" Rory said sheepishly.

"What?" Amy said while the Doctor tried not to laugh. "You offered to have sex with someone in exchange for a blow up doll?"

"I had to. I needed something to give to that git, right? Well, there was the solution and I had to…lie in order to get it."

"So you didn't have sex," Amy said relieved.

"Um…no, I promised I'd come back after I finished with the doll," Rory said.

"Well, I suggest we leave before…"

The Doctor was cut off in midsentence when the door to the shop opened and a slender humanoid llama came outside. She had grey shaggy fur and was wearing a long purple dress.

"Rory, have you finished? I'm waiting!" the llama called to him.

"Her?" Amy said, pointing to the llama.

"Yes. In order to save my life, I bartered sex with a llama in exchange for a personalized Rory blow up doll."

"Now, I've heard everything," Amy said.

Their eyes widened when the llama stared to come across the street.

"I think we better leave the planet before Amy and I have to stand around and watch you shag a llama for a couple of hours," the Doctor said.

"I second that," Amy said.

"Yeah, I third it," Rory said.

The three of them looked at each other and ran away as fast as they could while the llama woman screamed and yelled curses at them.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four

The low wheezing sound filled the air as the TARDIS materialized in the storage bay and the doors opened while the Doctor, Rory and Amy walked outside. The storage bay was lit by dim lighting in the ceiling as shadows moved over the crates and boxes and the Doctor took out the sonic screwdriver, scanning the room.

"Ah, we appear to be in a storage bay," he said and Amy gave Rory a look as if to say she figured that out already.

"Any idea just who's storage bay this is?" Amy asked as the Doctor placed the sonic screwdriver back in his pocket and spun around to look at her.

"Uh, not exactly, but that is the fun of it. Now, I suggest…." He said as the door to his right opened and three, large figures dressed in black leather uniforms, boots and black helmets came into the room and pointed laser blasters at them. "I suggest we surrender."

"I think so, too," Rory said as they held their hands up and one of the figures walked closer, lifting the black visor up and they looked at the face under the visor. Green and blue scales shimmered in the light as the yellow, snake eyes blinked at them and the figure tilted its head to one side.

"K-shass," the figure said as the Doctor slowly nodded his head and the figures turned, heading for the door. They left the storage bay as the door hissed shut behind them and Rory looked at the white walls that were crisscrossed with metal beams. The dim lights were embedded in the ceiling and the floor was covered in a black tile. Their footsteps echoed down the hallway as the Doctor glanced around them when a door to the left hissed open and they went inside the room. The door hissed closed behind them as they walked toward the figure standing in front of a large window and the Doctor noticed that they were in space. He tried to figure out where they were by the positions of the stars when one of the figures pushed him forward and he turned, glaring at them.

"There is no need to be rude," he said as the figure spun the Doctor around and pushed him toward the figure standing in front of the window. The figure was tall with a slender build and green and yellow scales shimmered in the dim light. Two long flaps of skin draped the sides of the figure's neck while long nails curved around the fingers and the figure wore a long, blood red toga that was connected around the figure's waist by a gold belt. "Hello, I'm the Doctor. Who are you?"

"Uh, Doctor, I don't think they speak English," Amy said when the figure standing by the window turned around and they saw the red eyes glaring at them. Snakelike in appearance, the figure blinked his eyes as the Doctor waited to see what the snake man was going to do and the snake man lifted his hand to his throat, touching the blue gem embedded in his throat.

"_Who are you?" _the snake man thought as the Doctor slightly smiled and turned, looking at Amy and Rory.

"I think he's deaf and can only speak telepathically," the Doctor said.

"And you can hear him?" Amy asked.

"Yeah, Time Lords are telepathic," he said then turned to the snake man and lightly nodded his head.

"_I am the Doctor and these are my companions, Amy and Rory," _the Doctor thought and Ka-Bay nodded his head.

"_I am Ka-Bay," _Ka-Bay thought.

"_Ah, well, can you tell me where we are?"_

"_This is the Ka'Nar'Ri, the finest star cruiser of the Royal Fleet."_

"_Hmm, well, sorry to come unannounced, but we were just passing by and accidentally landed in your storage bay. So, if you will let us go, we'll be on our way."_

"_I am afraid I cannot allow that. For all I know, you and your companions are spies."_

"_I assure you that we're not."_

"_No, you will be taken to Kah-Dey for trial!" _Ka-Bay thought as the Doctor's eyes turned black and he balled his hands into fists. Before he could move, the folds of skin on the sides of Ka-Bay's neck spread out into a hood as Ka-Bay opened his mouth and a green mist flew out of his mouth, hitting Amy, Rory and the Doctor in the face. Coughing, they fell unconscious onto the floor as Ka-Bay looked at the figures then clapped his hands and the figures dragged the Doctor, Amy and Rory out of the room. After the door closed, Ka-Bay turned to look out the window and the starts twinkled in the blackness.

The first thing Rory noticed was he was chained to a cold wall as water dripped somewhere and some of the wall was poking him in the back. Opening his eyes, he saw that he was in a stone cell and a metal door was in the wall at the other side of the cell. He could barely see from the torches in holders on the walls and the soft sound of the torch flickering filled his ears. He looked around when he saw some skeletons dangling from the chains on the others walls and the skeletons looked like humanoid snakes. Sighing, he looked at the door as he wondered where the Doctor and Amy were when the door opened and a snake man dressed in black leather and leather boots walked to him.

"Mind telling me where my friends are," he asked but the snake man only looked at him then opened his mouth and Rory jerked his head away. "Hey, hands off, Snake Eyes."

His head jerked to one side after the snake man slapped him and Rory spit some blood out of his mouth. The snake man opened his mouth as Rory felt something cold and slimy on his tongue and the snake man slammed his mouth shut. Whatever it was wriggled in his mouth as Rory quickly chewed on whatever it was and swallowed. The snake man seemed to smile then held up a wooden cup and opened his mouth. Rory gagged as the snake man poured a sour tasting liquid into his mouth then closed his mouth and he swallowed. He watched the snake man walking to the door as the snake man left and Rory sighed, watching the snake man close the door behind him.

"Well at least I had some supper," Rory sighed and hoped that the Doctor and Amy were alright.

Amy woke to find herself in a room with white walls and ceiling and white tile covered the floor. She was lying on a red, circular bed with pink curtains connected to the ceiling and she was wearing a white toga. Her hair was pulled up and held up by pins and tiny crystals were scattered through her hair.

"Ok, I just woke up in an Arabian Knights' story," she whispered then slid off the bed and looked around for the door. She took two steps when something hissed and she saw a wide variety of snake like creatures on the floor. She scampered back onto the bed as she pulled her legs to her chest and wrapped her arms around her legs. "Doctor, this would be a good time for a rescue."

"Right, I know that you can hear me! I demand to talk to whoever is in charge!" the Doctor shouted as he hung from the wall by some chains and he looked at the metal door on the other side of the room. He kicked his feet back and forth when the door opened and a snake man walked into the room with two other snake men behind him. The snake men were armed with laser blasters as the snake man walked to the Doctor and the Doctor glared at him. "Let me down!"

"Kassh kah!" the snake man said as the Doctor growled and his hearts slammed in his chest.

"Karsh ma krish!" the Doctor shouted as the snake man blinked his eyes a few times and the Doctor smiled. "Didn't think I could speak your tongue, eh?"

The snake man turned as he nodded at the other snake men and the snake men walked to the snake man and unlocked the chains. The Doctor slid to the floor as he adjusted his tweed jacket and brushed his fingers through his hair.

"Now that's what I call service. Shall we go speak to whoever's in charge?" he asked, heading for the door and the snake men followed him out of the cell. A few minutes later the Doctor was led into a large room with white walls and ceiling and white tile flooring. Blood red curtains draped the walls as a large window showed the Doctors the white, stone buildings carved into the walls of a large cavern and at the center of the room was a large, round bed. He looked at the snake woman lounging against purple pillows and her black and gray scales shimmered in the light. Her yellow eyes went wide as she sat up and one strap of her toga slid down her arm, giving him a peek of the top of her breast. "Ah, you must be the queen, eh?"

"Come forward," the snake woman said as he walked cautiously toward the bed and was amazed that she could speak English. He then saw the white crystal around her throat as she stoked the crystal and he softly smiled. "Who are you?"

"I am the Doctor," he said as he saw recognition in her eyes and she titled her head to one side.

"I am Empress Kah-Rani," she said and he did a little bow.

"Pleasure to meet you, Your Highness," he said then got a serious look on his face. "Where are my companions?"

"I don't know who you are talking about," Kah-Rani said and the Doctor growled, balling his hands into fists.

"I think you do. Now give them back to me before I get mad," he said and Kah-Rani hissed a laugh.

"If you want them back so badly, then you wouldn't mind fighting my champion for them."

"No, I wouldn't mind at all."

"Ah, then maybe I'll have one of your companions fight for your freedom instead."

"No, you can't!" he said and Kah-Rani gave him a slightly stunned look.

"Yes, I can!" she said then clapped her hands. Two of the snake men grabbed onto the Doctor as another snake man walked to her and she smiled. She hissed something to the snake man as the snake man nodded then left the room and the Doctor growled, trying to get loose. "Now, if you will come with me, we shall go to the arena. I hope your companion can fight because my champion hates an easy kill."

Growling, the Doctor watched her get off the bed then head for the door and the snake men shoved him as they followed Kah-Rani out of the room.

Rory didn't why the snake men had unchained him as they walked down the hallway and he heard the hissing and screeching coming from behind the two, large, metal doors in front of him. Two snake men opened the doors when the snake men led him into the arena and he saw the stone walls surrounding him and the stone floor had large rocks scattered around the arena. At the other end of the arena was a barred door and something growled behind the barred door. He looked at the snake people sitting above the walls then the royal box at the other end of the arena and Amy was sitting next to the Doctor. She grabbed onto the Doctor's hand as Rory nodded toward him and Kah-Rani walked into the royal box while the snake people hissed and screeched. She raised a hand as the snake people became quiet and looked at the Doctor, who glared at her.

"You can end this by pledging your loyalty to me, Doctor," she said.

"I would never do that," he snarled and she sighed, shaking her head.

"Let loose the Champion," Kah-Rani shouted as the barred door opened on the other end of the arena and Rory's eyes went wide. He had seen the weapons scattered about the arena, but the sight of what looked like a python with brown and black striped scales slithering around the rocks made his heart squeeze in his chest. Rory ran as he headed for the large axe sitting on the floor and the python creature hissed at him. He picked up the axe as the python creature hissed at him and Rory felt his heart slamming against his ribs.

"Doctor, do something!" Amy whispered as they watched Rory swinging the axe and the python creature hissed, rising up on the bottom half of its body. The Doctor looked at Kah-Rani when he slid his hand into his pocket and slid the sonic screwdriver into his hand.

"Uh, Doctor, this would be a good time to do something!" Rory shouted as the python creature hissed then opened its mouth and Rory's eyes went wide. The python creature came closer as its tail slashed at the stone floor and Rory could see the pink tongue lashing back and forth. Amy screamed as the python creature slammed its mouth around Rory then swallowed and the Doctor removed the sonic screwdriver from his pocket, set the frequency so the snake people could hear it and pushed the button. Kah-Rani and the snake people hissed then passed out as Amy covered her ears and the Doctor let go of the button. The python creature has also passed out as the Doctor and Amy ran down the stone stairs and headed for the python creature. The Doctor took out the sonic screwdriver as he scanned the python creature then looked at the swords lying on the ground and picked up a long blade sword. Bellowing a cry, he plunged the sword into the python creature as it screamed then woke up and hissed at them.

"Doctor, it's awake!" Amy shouted.

"I can see that, Pond!" the Doctor said as he used the sword to cut a big enough hole for them to go inside the python creature and it screeched, thrashing around the arena. "I hate to kill this poor thing, but it's either it or Rory and I really like Rory!"

"Where is he?" she shouted as the Doctor used the sword to cut through the python creature when he saw what looked like the python creature's stomach and something floated behind the thin membrane.

"He's right there. The problem is getting him out. If I cut into the membrane then the stomach acid will kill us instantly. Maybe if…" the Doctor said as he started poking the membrane and the python creature screeched. He kept poking until a low gagging sound filled the air and they watched Rory sail out of the membrane and the Doctor smiled.

"Don't tell me it just puked out Rory," she said and the Doctor arched his eyebrows up and down. Sighing, she followed him out of the python creature as it slithered toward the other end of the arena and they ran to Rory. He was covered in a green film as the Doctor knelt down and used the sonic screwdriver to scan him.

"We're too late," he sighed and Amy knelt down next to him. He held her when the Doctor got an idea and took something out of his pocket.

"What is that?" she asked.

"This is my Stattenheim remote control," he said then pressed the button and whistled. Amy was shocked to see the TARDIS materializing in front of them when he picked Rory up and they ran to the TARDIS. Amy used the key to open the door as they ran inside and the TARDIS dematerialized.

Rory felt a dull ache in his stomach when he sighed and a low beeping sound filled his ears. His eyes fluttered open when he saw Amy leaning down to kiss him and he smiled at her. He was a few plasters to cover the acid burns he received from being inside the python creatures stomach as Amy ran her fingers over one of the plasters and he sighed, trying to not to scream.

"Did I just get swallowed by a snake?" he asked with a growl to his voice and she stroked his hair.

"Yep, you got swallowed by a snake!" the Doctor said when Rory looked at him and the Doctor gave him a wink. "Though it wasn't what killed you. It was whatever it was they fed you. It had a slow acting poison, but I had the anti-venom. And you have some really nasty acid burns, but I can heal those once you've recovered from the venom."

"Thanks," Rory said then closed his eyes and the Doctor held Amy to his side as they watched Rory slowly drift back to sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

"Come on, we have no time to lose," the Doctor said to Amy as they ran through the forest.

They had been tracking Rory for quite some time after he had been kidnapped by a shadowy figure wearing a monk's robe and cowl. As they ran through the forest, Amy suddenly grabbed the Doctor's arm when she noticed a large wooden sign nailed to a nearby tree. The Doctor and Amy walked over to it and read the sign.

WARNING:

You may suddenly find yourself in the middle of a flimsy, ill-contrived rip off of something that seems familiar to you. Please don't be alarmed. This is perfectly normal on this planet because sometimes we tend to run out of original ideas.

The Doctor and Amy shared a glance.

"Rip off? What does that mean?" Amy said.

"Dunno but we have no time to puzzle it out now, Rory needs us. Come along, Pond!" the Doctor said before they resumed running.

Meanwhile, in an underground torture chamber deep below an old rotting tree, Rory finally regained consciousness. He tried to get up but found to his horror that he was shirtless and was strapped to a wooden table beside a huge wooden machine that resembled a water wheel. Beside him was an ugly, pudgy albino man wearing a monk's robe. The man was attacking small suction cups to his body and the suction cups had little leather tubes that ran back to the machine. Rory looked at all of this before his gaze settled on the albino man.

"Where am I?" Rory said. "What is this place?"

"You're in the Pit of Despair," the albino said in a raspy voice. "Don't even think…"

He paused and cleared his throat.

"Don't even think of escape," he continued in a clear, British accent, "the walls are far too thick and there's no hope of rescue either. Only the count and myself know how to get in and out."

Rory stared at the man, thinking he'd heard the man's speech before. He stared at the tiny suction cups being applied to his bare skin and then glanced up at the machine behind him. Suddenly, a thought came to him.

"Princess Bride?" he muttered to himself.

"I'm sorry?" the albino said, glancing at him as he attacked a suction cup to his left nipple.

"You're quoting Princess Bride and you're acting it out as well," Rory said.

The albino gave him a blank look for a moment before he shrugged and finished attaching the last of the suction cups to Rory's body.

Meanwhile, Amy and the Doctor were still running through the forest.

"Do you even know where you're going?" Amy yelled to him.

"No. I just prefer to run and get lucky," the Doctor yelled back.

Just then, a Spaniard jumped out from behind a tree. The Doctor and Amy stopped short when he pointed a long rapier at them. He was dressed in a dirty white shirt, tight leather pants and leather boots and he had shoulder length black curly hair and a mustache.

"I am Inigo Montoya," he said to them. "You killed my father, prepare to die!"

"I'm the Doctor and this is Amy Pond and I'm sorry but I'm pretty sure we didn't kill your father, so please don't kill us. We are, however, searching for a friend. Have you seen anyone being kidnapped by a monk lately?"

"I know of the one you seek," Inigo said. "My friend and I were searching for him. We are looking for someone to help us storm the castle."

"Friend?" the Doctor said, looking around.

His eyes widened when a gigantic man stepped out from behind a nearby clump of trees and walked up behind Inigo.

"My friend, Fezzik," Inigo said. "We are searching for the Man in Black. He will help us storm the castle so I can kill the Six Fingered Man."

The Doctor frowned at that.

"Why does all this sound familiar?" the Doctor said.

"Because it is," Amy said, stepping in front of him. "We're looking for the Pit of Despair. Can you take us to it?"

"Indeed we can, milday," Inigo said, bowing to her. "Follow us."

The Doctor gave Amy an odd look and she shrugged.

"It's Princess Bride, Doctor, I've seen the film hundreds of times," Amy said.

A look of recognition dawned on the Doctor's face. He pointed back behind him.

"The sign. That's what it meant. We're in the middle of a flimsy rip off of Princess Bride," he said.

"Yup," Amy said. "And the monk is the albino man that works for the Six Fingered Man and I'm betting that Rory is now hooked up to the…"

"The Machine," the Doctor finished. "Come on, Pond, really no time to lose then. Inigo, lead the way!"

Inigo and Fezzik led them through the forest. But a few minutes later, the Doctor and Amy stopped running and froze when they suddenly heard Rory's anguished scream echoing through the woods.

"Wait, they can't kill him this fast. They just kidnapped him, where's the slow torture?" the Doctor said.

"Shut up and come on!" Amy said, grabbing the lapel of his jacket. "Where's the tree?" she said to Inigo. "We have to get inside!"

Inigo and Fezzik led them to the tree. Just as they reached it, a door swung open in the trunk and everyone quickly darted behind the trees as the Albino came out, cradling Rory's body in his arms.

"I'm sorry," the albino man said to Rory's dead body. "I was demonstrating the machine and went too far. I'll have to take you to Miracle Max and revive you before the master returns."

The Doctor signaled everyone to stay still while the Albino dumped Rory's corpse into a nearby wheelbarrow. They watched while he wheeled Rory off through the woods and then the Doctor nodded to everyone to follow him as he followed the Albino. They kept their distance, keeping in sight but keeping to the trees while they listened to the Albino muttering to himself about how stupid he was to turn it up full blast while doing a demonstration.

"So, that means Rory's mostly dead then?" Amy muttered to the Doctor as they walked.

"Apparently so, which means we have to get the miracle pill from Miracle Max."

"And you think that'll work?" Amy said to him.

The Doctor shrugged.

"Rory's come back from the dead before," he said to her. "Why should this time be any different?"

They all stopped when the Albino stopped outside a large wooden house. The wooden door had a small window in it. Underneath was a small sign that read, Miracle Max, miracles for sale. The Doctor waited till the Albino turned his back and knocked on the door. Then he ran up and making a fist, slammed it down hard on the top of the Albino's head. The Albino grunted and fell to a heap at the Doctor's feet. The Doctor gazed down at the unconscious man and then smiled when the window in the door was opened up and an old grizzled man stared out at him.

"What?" the man said, glaring at him.

"Hi, we need a miracle," the Doctor said with a charming smile. "My friend here has snuffed it and we need to bring him back to life."

"I'm busy," the man said. "Come again some other time."

The Doctor stopped the little door with his open palm when the man tried to close the window.

"I'll make it worth your while," the Doctor said to him.

The man pulled the door back and glared at him. Then he opened up the door and stared down at Rory in the wheelbarrow.

"This is the man you need me to make a miracle for?" he asked the Doctor.

"Yes. We need him alive, Miracle Max, can you do it?" the Doctor said.

Miracle Max looked down at the Albino.

"Well, what about him?" he asked the Doctor.

"He is not important and he is unconscious and Fezzik, find somewhere to put him, will you? He's blocking the door. Inigo, go with him so you can defend him in case the albino man wakes up, yeah?"

Fezzik was shocked when the Doctor gave him an order. He looked to Inigo to see if he should carry it out and Inigo nodded. Fezzik shrugged, hoisted the Albino up over his shoulder and walked off into the woods with Inigo following behind. Max stared at him with wide eyes.

"He's huge," Max said to the Doctor.

"Yes, he is," the Doctor said. "Now, about our friend here, can you do it?"

"Perhaps, but I'm busy. I don't give my cures out to just anyone," Max said, folding his arms over his chest. "What's so important that he has to be brought back to life?"

"He's my friend," the Doctor said, annoyed.

"So? Lots of dead people are people's friends," Max said with a shrug. "Why should he be brought back when other people's friends have to die."

"Because if you don't bring him back, you'll be lying in the grave with him," the Doctor said.

"You don't scare me, I've heard tons of threats like that in my lifetime and I'm still here," Max said smugly.

"Then ask him what he wants," Amy said, anxious to get it over with so Rory could come back to life. "Use your bellows and ask him yourself."

Max sighed.

"Fine, fine, come inside. Leave the wheelbarrow out here though, it's cluttered in here," he said to them.

The Doctor picked Rory up and they went inside. Inside the wooden house, a fire was burning in the fireplace while different herbs and grasses hung from the ceiling. On a wooden table near the fireplace were several colored glass bottles and a large black leather bound book. On an iron hook in the fireplace a cauldron had been hung over the fire and something was bubbling inside it. The Doctor laid Rory's body on the table, carefully missing the bottles and book while Max retrieved the bellows that were resting beside the fireplace. Amy opened her husband's mouth and Max put the tip of the bellows inside the mouth. Amy glanced at the Doctor and they shared a look as Max began to pump air inside him. He pumped ten times and then took the bellows away.

"Hey," Max screamed in Rory's ear after he put the bellows away, "what's so important? Whatcha got here that's worth living for?"

He pushed on Rory's chest and they heard Rory's voice as the air came back out of his mouth.

"Truuuuuuuue looooooove."

Amy was shocked when she heard Rory saying that.

"Okay, so he's either listening in and knows this is the Princess Bride or he really meant that," Amy said to the Doctor.

"Yes and see, true love," the Doctor said to Max. "He wants to be here with his wife, isn't that good enough?"

"Perhaps and that is a good reason, but he didn't say that," Max said.

"Let me guess," the Doctor said. "He said to blave which means to bluff, am I right?"

"No, he said boobies. Must have a tit fetish," Max said.

"He did not say boobies," Amy said. "He said, true love."

"No, he said booooooobeeeeeees, I heard it," Max said. "And I have to admit you have a nice set of jugs but that's not a good reason to bring him back."

"Okay, how about this?"Amy said. "If you bring him back, he'll kill Prince Humperdinck."

She smirked when Max froze and stared down at Rory.

"I bring him back to life, Humperdinck suffers?" Max said, giving Amy a wary look.

"He'll make the sod scream and scream and scream some more," Amy said, knowing she had Max right where she wanted him.

"Okay, it's a deal!" Max said. "One miracle pill for one dead body of the prince."

"Deal," Amy said with a shrug.

Max let out a gleeful laugh as he opened a door in the back of the room and left.

"Pays to watch Princess Bride," Amy said to the Doctor.

While they waited, they heard an argument beyond the closed door. Max was arguing with a screechy voiced female.

"I'm assuming that's the wife then?" the Doctor said to Amy

The door flew open and Max stomped inside in a huff. He slammed the door shut behind him.

"Crazy hag," Max muttered while he walked over to the table with a large chocolate covered pill in his hand. "I can do what I want. You're not the boss of me! Anyway," he said to the Doctor and Amy, "this is the miracle pill. The reason why it's stick is…"

"Chocolate coating makes it go down faster," the Doctor said.

Max narrowed his eyes at him.

"How'd you know? Are you a spy? What has my wife been telling you? Are you sleeping with her? Not that I care if you boink the old hag but is she telling you secrets about my work or…"

"Never mind," Amy said, snatching the pill from his hand.

Before anyone could stop her, she opened Rory's mouth and put it inside. She closed his mouth and breathed a sigh of relief when Rory's eyes shot open.

"What's going on? Where am I?" Rory said, his eyes looking around the room.

"Explain later, for now, we have to get back to the TARD…I mean, we have to go kill the prince," the Doctor said, picking him up. "Anyway, thanks, Max. Nice knowing you and…hope your miracle pill prospers."

"Wait, I can't move my body, is that normal?" Rory said as the Doctor and Amy rushed to the door. "Where's the creepy albino man? Why do I feel like I'm in Princess Bride?"

The Doctor and Amy didn't answer him. Amy opened the door and they hurried out. Max snorted when Amy slammed the door behind them.

"Weirdos," he muttered to himself before shaking his head and heading to the back door.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six

"LIVE, DAMN YOU!" the Doctor bellowed as he raised his fist. "I COMMAND THEE IN THE NAME OF ME!"

Rory's corpse was lying on a steel table in the med bay. The Doctor's fist slammed down onto his chest. Rory gasped and his eyes snapped open.

"There, that's better," the Doctor said, cheerfully. "Anyway, back to stuff."

Rory lay there in shock as the Doctor let out a cheerful whistle and headed out of the room.


	7. Chapter 7

Chapter Seven

Rory was never sure what time it was on the TARDIS as he woke up and looked over at Amy sleeping next to him. How he got so lucky to find someone as amazing as Amy often made him wonder as he moved the duvet back and got out of bed. Stretching his arms over his head, Rory got out of bed as he walked toward the bathroom and closed the door behind him. A few minutes later he walked out of the bedroom then down the hallway as he scratched the top of his head and headed for the galley. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes when he saw something moving around the corner and frowned, slowly walking closer.

"Doctor?" he whispered as he peered around the corner, but nothing was there and he shrugged. Going around the corner, he jumped when he saw a dalek in front of him and the eyestalk moved up and down.

"DO NOT MOVE!" the dalek said and Rory looked around, trying to figure out where a dalek came from.

"Look, Mate, I don't know how you got in here…."

'YOU WILL BE SILENT! OBEY! OBEY!"

"Uh, really, you have no idea who you're dealing with."

"YOU WILL BE SILENT! OBEY! OBEY!" the dalek said as its eyestalk moved up and down and Rory blinked, tilting his head to one side.

"Hold on," Rory said as he walked closer and the dalek's eyes stalk moved up and down.

"DO NOT MOVE!" the dalek said as he stood in front of the dalek and carefully moved his hand toward the dalek. He smiled as his hand went through the dalek and he looked up at the ceiling.

"Very funny, Doctor," Rory said as he rolled his eyes and headed down the hallway. He went around the corner when he stopped and saw the Cyberman standing in front of him. "Oh, come on!"

"Halt, you will not pass," the Cyberman said as Rory folded his arms over his chest and arched an eyebrow.

"Yeah, I will," Rory said as he walked through the Cyberman then turned around and flipped the Cyberman off. He smiled then walked down the hallway when he realized that he was lost and Rory sighed, puffing air out of his cheeks. "Great, where am I?"

Shrugging, he kept walking down the hallway when he came to a door and stood in front of it. He placed his hand on the door handle when he turned the door handle and screamed as electricity moved through his body. His body jerked spasms when he let go of the door handle and crumbled to the floor. The door quickly opened as the Doctor looked out into the hallway and his hair was sticking up on the top of his head. He was only wearing the bottom of a red and white striped pajamas as he looked down to see Rory lying on the floor and knelt down, checking to see if he was breathing. Rory was dead as the Doctor leaned against the doorframe and brushed the hair from his eyes.

"Ah, Rory, why didn't you knock?" he asked then rolled Rory on his back, thumped his chest with his fist and Rory gasped, opening his eyes.

"What?" he asked with a horse voice as the Doctor smiled and helped him up.

"Lesson learned, eh? Never come into my bedroom without knocking!" the Doctor said with a smile as he patted him on the back and went back into the bedroom, closing the door behind him. Sighing, Rory shrugged when lights appeared on the wall in the direction of the galley and he placed his hands in his pockets, heading down the hallway.


	8. Chapter 8

Chapter Eight

The Doctor stood at the console while he looked at the screen and tapped his fingers on the top of the console. Suddenly the lights dimmed as he looked up at the ceiling and frowned.

"What's wrong, Old Girl?" he asked, patting the glass to the time rotor.

"Doctor!" Amy shouted as he ran out of the control room, down the hallway and skidded to a halt in the doorway to the galley. Rory was lying on the floor as Amy knelt next to him and the Doctor ran to them, kneeling on the floor.

"What happened?" he asked as he examined Rory only to find him dead and the Doctor sighed, balling his hand into a fist and slammed his fist down onto Rory's chest over his heart. Rory gasped as he opened his eyes then looked up at them and shyly smiled at them. "Well, what happened?"

"The, uh, toast got stuck in the toaster and I…" Rory sputtered as Amy rolled her eyes and gently smacked the top of his head.

"You used a fork to get it out?" she asked and Rory nodded his head. Trying hard not to laugh, the Doctor helped Rory up as they left the galley and Amy stood up, following them out of the galley and smiled.


	9. Chapter 9

Chapter Nine

"Oh, not again," the Doctor said, throwing up his hands in frustration the moment Rory was felled by a poison arrow.

"Rory!" Amy sobbed as she fell to her knees beside him. "Oh God, how could this happen?"

"You wanna know how it happened?" the Doctor said angrily. "It happened because that wanker Moffat can't stop killing bleedin' Rory!"

"Moffat? Who's Moffat?" Amy said, looking up at him.

The Doctor didn't answer. Instead, he walked over to a nearby newsagent, purchased the weekend edition of the London Times and grumbled to himself about Moffett while he rolled it up. Amy then watched in silent shock as the Doctor got back in the TARDIS and left her behind.

"Um…okay…" Amy said when the TARDIS disappeared.

A few seconds later, the TARDIS reappeared in the same spot. The door opened and Steven Moffat ran out the door followed by the Doctor who was thwacking him on the head with the rolled up newspaper.

"Bad writer!" the Doctor said as he hit him with the newspaper. "Bad, bad writer, killing Rory. Bad boy!"

"What the hell are ya doing?" Moffat said, trying to cover his head while the Doctor assaulted him with the newspaper.

"I'm teaching you not to kill Rory!" the Doctor said, grabbing his shirt collar.

The Doctor pulled Moffat over to Rory and jerked his head down.

"See that? You see that? Bad writer! No kill!" the Doctor said, pointing to dead Rory.

Amy gasped when the Doctor made Moffat get on his knees. He then shoved the stunned writer's head directly into Rory's chest while he continued to hit him on the head with the rolled up newspaper.

"Doctor, what are you doing?" Amy said.

"I'm putting his nose in it so he learns not to do it again," the Doctor said while he hit Moffat with the newspaper. "Bad writer! No kill! No kill! Do I have to do the same thing my predecessor did when Davies allowed that god awful Absorbaloff to be on the show? Do I have to put you in the kennel?"

"No, not the kennel!" Moffat screamed.

"Then stop killing Rory!" The Doctor said, jerking him to his feet. "Bad writer! No kill! You hear me! No kill!"

"Okay, okay, no kill!" Moffat said, holding up his hands in surrender.

"Good! Good writer! No kill!" the Doctor said, patting him on the head.

Moffat breathed a sigh of relief but it was short-lived because the Doctor suddenly grabbed him by the lapel while Amy watched in confusion.

"Now that we have that sorted out, here's another bad thing you did," the Doctor said, pulling Moffat along.

He led him over to the new Daleks he had created in series five. Moffat gasped when the Doctor resumed his thwacking over the head.

"Bad writer! Bad writer creating these daft Daleks," the Doctor said while he hit him on the head.

Amy walked over and stood a few feet away while the Doctor shoved Moffat's nose into the front of the yellow Dalek.

"See that? You see that? Bad writer! No making daft multicolored Daleks!"

"Doctor, what are you doing to that man?" Amy said.

"I told you, Pond, I'm putting his nose in it so he knows not to do it again," the Doctor said in exasperation. "Now…are you going to go to your computer and bring Rory back to life and bring the old Daleks back?"

"Yes," Moffat said, trembling. "Just let me go, please. I'll fix everything."

"See that you do," the Doctor said, letting go of him. "Now…go find a computer. Go!"

The Doctor sighed when Moffat ran off to find the nearest computer.

"See, Amy, sometimes you have to be firm with these writers," he said to her. "They need love but you have to be strict with them as well, otherwise they'll just do whatever they want. Now…where's the crossword?"

The Doctor unrolled the newspaper and opened it, whistling cheerfully while he looked for the crossword puzzle. Amy shook her head.

"Just when I thought I'd seen everything with the Doctor, he goes and does something completely mental," she muttered to herself as she turned and followed him.


	10. Chapter 10

Chapter Ten

"This is getting old," Rory said as he sank to the ground after being shocked by the electric fence. Amy ran to him as he fell to the ground and she knelt next to him.

"Doctor!" she shouted as he ran to her then looked down and growled.

"I thought I told him to stop doing this!" the Doctor said as he stormed to the TARDIS and snapped his fingers. Walking up the ramp, he stormed to the console when he picked up the receiver and started dialing. He waited a few seconds while he tapped his fingers on the console and Amy walked into the control room.

"Doc…?" she said as he held up a finger and she leaned against the doorframe.

"Moffat, this is the Doctor," he said and heard the receiver on the other end drop. He waited as the receiver was picked up and he leaned on the console. "Are you still there?"

"Yes," Moffat said with a tint of fear in his voice.

"I thought I told you to stop killing Rory."

"I did!"

"Then why did he just drop dead?" the Doctor asked as Amy walked closer and stood next to him.

"It wasn't me! I swear!" Moffat said as the Doctor sighed and placed the receiver back on the cradle.

"Well, he didn't kill him," the Doctor said as he walked back outside and headed for Rory. Amy followed him when the Doctor knelt down next to Rory and the Doctor raised his fist, bringing it down hard onto Rory's chest over his heart. Rory gasped as he opened his eyes and Amy knelt down and stroked his hair.

"I thought you said I wasn't going to get killed anymore," Rory said as they helped him up and Amy held him to her side.

"I was told that you weren't," the Doctor said as he sighed and they went inside the TARDIS. Walking to the console, he looked at the screens when he started pushing buttons, turning switches and pulled on the main hand break. The TARDIS moved through the vortex as the Doctor sat on the jump seat and tried to figure out what was going on.

"Ack!" Rory said when he fell to the floor and Amy ran to him, kneeling next to him. The Doctor ran to them as he knelt down and placed his hand on Rory's chest. Rory wasn't breathing as the Doctor checked for a pulse and Amy looked at him with terror in her eyes.

"He's dead?" she asked and the Doctor nodded, raised his fist and thumped Rory's chest over his heart. Rory gasped as he opened his eyes wide and looked up at the Doctor.

"What is going on?" he said as the Doctor sat back on his legs and frowned.

"You keep dropping dead for some reason," he said when he picked Rory up and Rory was shocked that he could lifted him, never mind carry him. "Hey, I'm stronger than I look."

Rory smiled then shrugged as they left the control room and headed for the med bay. The TARDIS had moved the med bay just outside the control room as they went inside and the Doctor placed Rory on the examination bed. The Doctor pushed the buttons on the screen as the TARDIS scanned Rory and the Doctor titled his head to one side.

"Right, there is nothing wrong with your heart, which is a good thing, but, for some reason, you keep dying," the Doctor said then looked at the screens, sighed, raised his hand and thumped Rory's chest over his heart. Rory gasped as he opened his eyes and looked at the Doctor. "Now this is just getting silly."

"Why does this keep happening?" Amy asked and the Doctor looked up at the ceiling and growled.

"I know what you're doing. Knock it off right now or I am going to get old," he shouted at the ceiling when they heard giggling and Amy and Rory looked at the Doctor. "I am not kidding!"

"But it's too much fun," a female voice said as the Doctor growled and balled his hands into fists.

"This isn't a game!" he shouted and the giggling grew louder.

"Doctor, what is going on?" Amy asked.

"Someone is having a laugh at us and keep killing Rory because they think it's fun," he said and Rory frowned, blinking his eyes.

"No, it's not fun. I don't like dying all the time," he sighed and the Doctor looked up at the ceiling.

"Will you stop?" the Doctor asked and silence filled the med bay.

"Oh, alright, we'll stop," the other female voice and the Doctor smiled.

"Good," the Doctor said as he helped Rory off the examination bed and they left the med bay. None of them sat two shimmering, female figures appearing next to the examination table and one of them smiled at the other.

"But only until the next chapter," the female figure said as they giggled and slowly faded away.


	11. Chapter 11

Warning: This chapter has spoilers for episode one of Torchwood: Miracle Day.

Chapter Eleven

BBC Announcer: You just watched Strictly Come Dancing. Later on BBC 1, trouble erupts in the Big Brother house when Brittany becomes enraged at Ian for mocking Twilight and shoves a tampon down his throat. Will the housemates rally behind team Brittany or team Ian or maybe they'll all choose team Jacob. All that later on but first here is a preview for the next episode of Torchwood: Miracle Day.

On the next episode of Torchwood: Miracle Day. The Torchwood Team gain a new member as they try to figure out why no one on Earth is dying.

"Everyone," Jack said to Gwen, Rex and Esther. "I'd like you to meet the latest member of the team. His name is Rory Williams. Rory?"

Rory steps into the room and looks at his teammates.

"Wait, how'd I get here?" Rory said. "I thought I was on the TARDIS."

"You were but the Doctor wanted to have hot monkey sex with your wife so he sent you here," Jack said.

Rory stared at him, wondering if he was being serious or not but before he could ask, Jack slapped his hands together.

"Right, since you've been on the TARDIS, you probably don't know what's going on. We're investigating a strange phenomenon. No one on Earth is dying and we need to find out why."

"Wait, what'd ya mean no one on Earth is dying?" Rory said.

"I mean no one can die. No matter what happens, death is impossible," Jack said.

"So…it's physically impossible for me to die then?" Rory said.

"Yeah," Jack said.

Rory stared at him for a moment and then a huge grin slowly spread over his face. The Torchwood team were shocked when Rory let out a loud "YIPPEE!" and pumped his fist in the air. Then to their amazement, Rory began to praise God while dancing around the room, finally ending up with a big booty shake while he chanted, "I can't die, I can't die, I can't die!" over and over.

"Wait," Jack finally said. "You can't die but that's not a good thing because you can still get injured or even fatally wounded and still keep on living."

Rory stopped the booty shaking.

"Wait…so if I get shot in the head, I have a bullet lodged in my brain and I keep on living."

"Yeah," Jack said.

"So…if I get a stake through my heart…"

"It hurts like hell," Rex said. "I'm recovering from steel rods going through my body."

"So, I won't heal instantly?" Rory said with a twinge of anxiety.

"Nope. I saw a man blow himself up and he was basically a living charred corpse and then…he severed his head from his body and he still lived and…"

Jack trailed off when he saw how pale Rory's face was.

"And you want me to help you do dangerous stuff that could get me seriously maimed or injured, right?" Rory said.

"Yup, until the Doctor stops humping your wife, you're stuck with us," Jack said with a shrug.

Rory stared at him in horror. Then he raised his eyes skyward, thrust his hands to the sky and yelled out several curse words that are inappropriate even for the Torchwood TV Show. Rory kept on cursing and ranting and raving until he was cut off by the BBC Announcer.

"And that was a preview of next week's Torchwood: Miracle Day. Up next, it's Doctor Who and the Doctor, Amy and Rory have their hands full trying to figure out who two strange woman are. Doctor Who on BBC 1 is starting right now…


	12. Chapter 12

Chapter Twelve

"Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep…Coming up, it's time to have some fun with everyone's favorite time traveling tots," the Doctor's off stage voice said when the theme music started and TIME LORD BABIES appeared.

"Time Lord Babies, we turn aliens into goo…Time Lord Babies, we've come to play with you…When your world is full of baddies, who've come to give you a scare…Just call our names and shout out loud "Catch us if you dare!"…I like Amy…I like Rory…I love the Doctor…Sexy dance…I got my toy screwdriver…I got my jammie dodgers…I play with guns…And I got a fez, HA…I like running…Geronimo…Is everything alright in here…Yes, Jackie…Time Lord Babies, we turn aliens into goo…Time Lord Babies, we've come to play with you…Time Lord…Time Lord...Time Lord…Babies…Babies…Babies…Woooooooooo-hooooo!"

The scene changed as a cartoon version of the Doctor as a toddler appeared and he was wearing a white shirt, tan trousers, a tweed jacket with leather patches on the elbows, braces with little frog pins pinned to them and a little, black bow tie. Looking at the title, he smiled and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Today's episode is "What's Wrong With Rory.", " he said then placed a little, red fez on his head and jumped when a stream of water shot the fez off his head and he looked off camera. "River, stop shooting my fez or I'm going to tell Jackie on you!" Growling, he placed the fez back on his head then walked off camera and the scene faded to black.

The scene changed to a cartoon nursery as Baby Rory sat on the rocking horse and was rocking back and forth. Baby Amy walked over while wearing a pink cowgirl hat and cowgirl outfit and two water guns were in her hands.

"Get off or I'll blast you," she said as she pointed the water guns at him and Baby Rory frowned.

"No," he said as she squirted him with some water and he gasped, clutched his chest and fell off the rocking horse. Baby Amy walked to him when she poked him with her toe, but he wouldn't wake up and she sighed, shaking her head. Stamping over to the blue toy box, she pounded on the top of the toy box then placed her hands on her hips.

"Doctor, are you in there?" Baby Amy asked when the top of the toy box opened and the sounds of footsteps going up a ladder came from inside the toy box. Baby Doctor peeked out as he looked at her and blinked his eyes.

"What do you want?" he asked.

"Rory wouldn't get off the rocking horse and I shot him with my water guns. Now he's just lying on the floor and won't wake up," she said as the Doctor sighed, looked down into the toy box and his lower lip stuck out as he pouted.

"Then go play with someone else. I'm busy," he said when he climbed down the ladder and she leaned over and looked inside the toy box. The scene changed to show the control room as he moved around the console and muttered something.

"Get back up here!" she shouted as he looked up at her and folded his arms over his chest.

"I want to play with Sexy," he said as he patted the console and a low purring sound filled the air.

"If you don't help me then I'm going to tell Jackie!"

"Go and tattle then, Miss Tattle Pants!" he shouted as he sat on the jump seat, placed his thumb in his mouth and swung his feet back and forth.

"Fine," she shouted then turned around and saw Baby River standing behind her.

"What's wrong?" Baby River asked.

"Rory fell off the rocking horse and Mister "I Wanna Play With Sexy" won't help me wake him up!" Baby Amy said and Baby River looked down at Baby Doctor, who was still sitting on the jump seat, sucking his thumb.

"I'll play with you, Sweetie," Baby River shouted as he looked up at her and his eyes went wide. She moved back as Baby Doctor ran to the ladder, came up the ladder and looked at Baby Amy.

"Come, Pond, let's see what's wrong with Rory," he said as he took Baby Amy's hand and they headed for the rocking horse. Smiling, Baby River leaned against the toy box as she smiled and folded her arms over her chest.

"Works every time," she whispered while watching Baby Doctor jumping up and down on Baby Rory's chest until he woke up and Baby River smiled as the scene faded to black.


End file.
